People hurt us. Society crushes us. In spite of—or because of—all that, we also fall into destructive ways of thinking and behaving that hurt us.
Dima Berlin via Getty Images
One of the quirks of humanity is that, in addition to all the problems we face from the outside, we seem to find even more troublesome ways to hurt ourselves.
How can we escape these self-inflicted wounds?
Types of self-destructive attitudes and actions
Self-defeating approaches come in a wide variety of forms. Perhaps you recognize some of these in your own life:
- Procrastination and lethargy, whether fueled by impossible perfectionism or ingrained pessimism and fear of failure.
- Neglecting your health.
- Body image issues, leading to overeating or starving yourself.
- Shame and guilt.
- Anger and outbursts of frustration.
- Pushing people away and sabotaging your relationships.
- Hopelessness and numbness.
Though I called these approaches self-inflicted, they can trace back to things others have done to us, from bullying to injustice, from abuse to neglect.
I don’t think I am the only one who has sometimes fallen into this pattern of thinking: “You hurt me! I’ll show you! I’ll hurt me worse!”
I know it doesn’t make sense. But so many of our self-destructive patterns aren’t logical if we actually step back and examine them. But logical or not, they are real and painful.
Escape mechanisms that speed the spiral
Too often, when we face the overwhelming pressures of life and our own self-defeating attitudes, we just want to escape.
Sadly, so many of the escape mechanisms and coping techniques prevalent today only add to the problem, leaving us feeling guilty, exhausted, hungover, hopeless.
We might try to forget our problems through entertainment, video games, watching video after video, drinking, drugs, risky behaviors, etc. But these attitudes easily become self-reinforcing and can lead us to spiral into deeper discouragement and a greater desire to escape.
The downward spiral of negative attitudes can lead to self-destructive behavior, such as self-harm, alcohol and drugs, and even thoughts of suicide.
(Note: If you or someone you know may be considering suicide, in the U.S. contact the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by calling 988. In other countries, see suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html for suicide hotlines around the world.)
The source of self-destructive thinking
It all started with a lie from Satan, in the form of a serpent, who made the ultimate self-destructive choice sound appealing.
“Now the serpent was more cunning than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said to the woman, ‘Has God indeed said, “You shall not eat of every tree of the garden”?’” (Genesis 3:1).
Eve responded, but the devil was ready to plant seeds of doubt and desire.
“Then the serpent said to the woman, ‘You will not surely die. For God knows that in the day you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil’” (verses 4-5).
In that moment, the devil’s sales pitch seemed convincing to her, to her lasting regret. Self-destructive thinking appears to make sense only long enough to ensnare us.
Satan has continued as the tempter, the deceiver and the destroyer (Matthew 4:3; Revelation 9:11; 12:9). He’s the instigator of humanity’s self-destructive tendencies.
Because he has been so successful in confusing and misleading us, we can all relate to the apostle Paul’s lament:
“In fact, I don’t understand why I act the way I do. I don’t do what I know is right. I do the things I hate” (Romans 7:15, Contemporary English Version).
The confusion and the struggle are real.
“But in every part of me I discover something fighting against my mind, and it makes me a prisoner of sin that controls everything I do. What a miserable person I am. Who will rescue me from this body that is doomed to die?” (verses 23-24, CEV).
The solution to self-destructive attitudes
Who will save Paul and us?
Prayer, praise and positive meditation can help us see things from God’s perspective.
“Thank God! Jesus Christ will rescue me. So with my mind I serve the Law of God, although my selfish desires make me serve the law of sin” (verse 25, CEV).
The ultimate answer involves repentance and change empowered by God’s Holy Spirit. Paul continued:
“People who are ruled by their desires think only of themselves. Everyone who is ruled by the Holy Spirit thinks about spiritual things. If our minds are ruled by our desires, we will die. But if our minds are ruled by the Spirit, we will have life and peace” (Romans 8:5-6, CEV).
Satan is a master at manipulating our desires and leading us into a cycle that promises pleasure but produces pain.
But with the help of God’s Holy Spirit, we can gain God’s perspective and see past the alluring traps. We can instead choose the way that truly leads to constructive attitudes and satisfying outcomes.
The Bible answers our self-defeating thoughts
When we are being pulled down by a cycle of self-destructive attitudes, we may face a variety of hopeless thoughts. Here are biblical replies to some of them:
Self-defeating thought: “I’m worn out and can’t do it anymore.”
Biblical reply: “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28).
Self-defeating thought: “I feel all alone and discouraged.”
Biblical reply: “For He Himself has said, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you’” (Hebrews 13:5).
Self-defeating thought: “It’s just too hard.”
Biblical replies: “Ah, Lord GOD! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and outstretched arm. There is nothing too hard for You” (Jeremiah 32:17).
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13).
Self-defeating thought: “God could never understand or forgive the things I keep doing.”
Biblical reply: “For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need” (Hebrews 4:15-16).
Self-defeating thought: “I’ve been a Christian for a long time, and I am so ashamed that I still sin.”
Biblical reply: “If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:8-9).
Some practical steps for escaping self-destructive attitudes
Along with praying for the spiritual help and motivation to overcome this cycle, here are some action steps that can help.
- Identify the self-destructive thoughts and behaviors that trip you up.
Meri Althauser, a lawyer in Montana, included this on her list of interventions:
“Identify your go-to destructors. When you’re feeling your crummiest do you tend to crack a beer open too early? Skip the gym? Eat? Scroll? Yell? Knowing what feels the most tempting will help you with the next step, identifying the best replacement.”
- Substitute a healthier replacement.
Psychologist William Glasser said, “If you want to change attitudes, start with a change in behavior.”
When you’re tempted by negative and destructive thoughts and actions, choose a positive activity instead. Go for a walk. Write an encouraging note to someone. Study. Pray. Take up an enjoyable hobby. Plan healthy activities for future times when discouragement attacks.
Doing something fun and productive where you can see visible progress (whether a chore, hobby or service project) can help you shake the cycle of negative attitudes.
- Change your perspective.
Getting outside and exercising and appreciating God’s creation can provide a launchpad to a new, positive perspective.
Prayer, praise and positive meditation can help us see things from God’s perspective. As the apostle Paul wrote:
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
“Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things” (Philippians 4:6-8; see “Finding Peace of Mind” and our blog series beginning with “Meditate on These Things: ‘Whatever Things Are True’”).
God’s perspective and His matchless help can make all the difference!
- Build a support system.
God designed us to be social creatures, and seeking supportive family, friends and church brethren can help us escape from negative patterns. Striving to be supportive of others can be very beneficial to us as well.
Especially when dealing with addictions, seeking wise counselors and professional help can be vital in breaking free. Read more about this and about accountability partners in our article “Confronting Addiction.”
We have also prepared a series on dangerous emotions that you may find helpful:
Sometimes we are our own worst enemy, but if we turn to our loving God, He will help us conquer all obstacles and achieve His awesome purpose for our lives! See “More Than Conquerors” for additional encouragement.
About the Author
Mike Bennett
Mike Bennett is editorial content manager for the Church of God, a Worldwide Association, in the Dallas, Texas, area. He coordinates the Life, Hope & Truth website, Discern magazine, the Daily Bible Verse Blog and the Life, Hope & Truth Weekly Newsletter (including World Watch Weekly). He is also part of the Personal Correspondence team of ministers who have the privilege of answering questions sent to Life, Hope & Truth.
