Love Is a Choice

The religious leaders were surprised and disappointed. Jesus had not been trapped by their trick question. Instead, “He had silenced the Sadducees” (Matthew 22:34).

At this moment, the rival faction of Pharisees sent one of their own to ask Jesus another tough question: “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the law?” (verse 36).

Jesus responded with two great commandments (verses 37-39). We are to love God and to love our neighbors. According to Jesus, these two commandments are the essence of “all the Law and the Prophets” (verse 40).

If we have been commanded to love, then love cannot be an accident. It stands to reason that love is a choice.

Love is a choice, but what is love?

The nature of love can be difficult to pin down. There is romantic love, celebrated and idealized in books, movies, poetry and art. There is the love of a mother for her child. There is the love shared between friends. There are many kinds of love.

Is there any aspect that these types of love have in common?

Love, no matter what kind, is about relationships. That relationship can be with a spouse, another family member, a neighbor or a friend. It can also be with God.

Relationships demand effort. We are all different, which means we may have conflicting hopes and dreams. Love is about choosing to see more than our own personal desires.

Is love always a choice?

Love of God and love of neighbor are clearly choices, but what about other types of love? What about romantic love? Is choice all there is to it? No, there is undeniably a biological component to attraction.

However, as a 2022 article for PsychCentral.com states, “hormones can sweep you up in the early days of love,” but “lasting love requires conscious decision-making.”

The great thing is that when we choose to love, our relationships grow, as noted in a 2024 article on the Psychology Today website:

“Love is a journey, not a destination. The longer you stay committed to that journey with your partner, the more your love will deepen and grow. It’s like tending to a garden; the more you put in the work, the more beautiful and bountiful the results will be.”

Defeating the “old man”

The article goes on to note that the choice to love is not just a one-time decision. We have “to keep making that choice, even when the feelings aren’t there.” In fact, the article points out that choosing to love may well mean being in “a fight with our old selves.”

This image is similar to one Paul used in his letter to the church at Ephesus: “Put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man” (Ephesians 4:22).

Psychology has come to understand one part of this truth that has been in the Bible all along. Our natural impulse is to satisfy our own desires, sometimes without regard for what other people want or need.

To love, we must learn to consider the needs and desires of others. If we don’t, our relationships will not last.

Love in Hebrew and Greek

Both the Old Testament and the New Testament have more than one word that is translated “love.” Most uses of love in the Old Testament are translated from the Hebrew word 'āhab.

And the Greek words agapaō (as a verb) and agape (as a noun) account for the majority of New Testament uses.

When Jesus spoke of loving God, He was alluding to a part of Scripture included in the Shema, a prayer many observant Jews recite daily. It is the cornerstone of their faith.

In that passage, the people of Israel are told to “love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength” (Deuteronomy 6:5). Love in this verse is the Hebrew word 'āhab.

The same is true for the Old Testament command to love one’s neighbor (Leviticus 19:18). The Hebrew word for love there is also 'āhab.

Love and God’s law

According to Vine’s Complete Expository Dictionary, this “word suggests . . . that one seek to relate to his brother and all men according to what is specified in the law structure God gave to Israel.”

So, just as Christ explained, love is the essence of God’s law.

That’s why Paul and James both wrote about love fulfilling the law (Romans 13:8-10; Galatians 5:14; James 2:8). It is also why the apostle John linked love with obedience (1 John 5:2-3).

These apostles were united in their understanding, and no wonder. Jesus Himself spoke of love this way, telling His disciples, “If you love Me, keep My commandments” (John 14:15, 21).

Love and choice

Love is not only a choice for humans, but also a choice for God.

In discussing agapaō/agape—the Greek word most often translated as “love” in the New Testament—Vine’s brings out this important concept:

“Love can be known only from the actions it prompts. God’s love is seen in the gift of His Son . . . But obviously this is not the love of complacency, or affection . . . It was an exercise of the divine will in deliberate choice.”

Throughout the Bible, we see that love is not just a feeling, though feelings are important. Instead, love is behavior and love is a choice.

We choose to ignore God’s will, or we choose to obey Him and, thus, to love God. We choose to live selfish lives without regard for the well-being of others, or we choose to consider their wants and needs and, in that way, to love them.

The greatest of these is love

One of the most inspiring passages in the Bible is a description of love. Paul wrote these stirring words to a deeply divided congregation (1 Corinthians 1:10-13).

Without love, there can be no peace. Harmony is impossible, and joy disappears. Love is the foundation of all that is good. Toward the end of his letter, Paul wrote about the personal sacrifices necessary for relationships to thrive and for love to flourish:

“Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7; see our online article “The Love Chapter”).

As Paul’s words show, giving, serving and self-sacrifice are crucial components in love. (Of course, this does not mean sacrifice by enduring in an abusive relationship.)

These four verses in 1 Corinthians are truly inspiring, but they may also leave us feeling inadequate. This is especially true considering the command Jesus gave for us to love our enemies (Matthew 5:44).

How many of us have been able to consistently choose to love as Paul described love?

The Holy Spirit and love

In Paul’s letter to the church at Rome, he acknowledged his inability to constantly and perfectly live up to godly standards. It’s easy to feel the despair in his confession: “For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do” (Romans 7:15).

All of us, if we are honest with ourselves, must admit our inability to always make the right choices. In light of this, what gives us firm hope?

In the very next chapter Paul explained that it is God’s Holy Spirit that empowers us to live godly lives. Love is at the core of such a life.

Earlier in his letter, Paul specifically addressed the connection between God’s Holy Spirit and love. We can love because “the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit” (Romans 5:5).

In fact, love is the first “fruit of the Spirit” that Paul listed in his letter to the Galatian church (Galatians 5:22; see our article “Fruit of the Spirit: Love”).

Why choosing love is so important

Without love, there can be no peace. Harmony is impossible, and joy disappears. Love is the foundation of all that is good.

Love is central to our relationship with God. It’s not surprising, then, that the apostle John wrote, “Love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God” (1 John 4:7). We cannot have a relationship with God if we do not choose to love.

John, who seemed to have a special relationship with Jesus (John 13:23), wrote a lot about love. One of the most thought-provoking statements he wrote is that “God is love” (1 John 4:8, 16).

Why is love so vital?

Because God will not allow anything to disrupt harmony and peace within His eternal family. “Bringing many sons to glory” (Hebrews 2:10) is God’s desire and plan for humanity.

What about you? Are you ready to choose love in your relationship with God and in your relationships with all people?