How to Be a Good Stepparent

What do you think about when you think of stepparenting? One popular sitcom from the 1970s told the story of two people who decided to blend their families together into one unit—The Brady Bunch. Many who consider becoming stepparents no doubt think about shows like that and the dynamics created within these fictitious families.

But marriage, parenting and stepparenting are not lighthearted entertainment. They are serious business.

When a man and woman are considering marriage, they are wise to seek premarital counseling about such things as compatibility, family, finances and other important factors. The same principle applies when a person desires to become a spouse and a stepparent.

Before creating a new family

Before becoming a stepparent, consider what you will need to do in order to have a good relationship with all the children in your new family. Patience and understanding are two essential characteristics for a potential stepparent. These two qualities are especially important when it comes to dealing with:

• Children who still hold out hope that their birth parents will get back together.
• Children who have a close relationship with the divorced birth parent.
• Being viewed as a “replacement” if a birth parent has died.
• Being viewed as the one who “broke up” the birth parents’ marriage.
• Building a meaningful relationship with the stepchildren.

New stepparents must realize that close relationships built on trust don’t develop instantly. Children of divorced parents may feel they have been deserted or that their parents divorced because of them. These feelings can create a whirlwind of emotions—some of which may not be healthy.

A stepparent who attempts to buy his way into the lives of children or to just be a buddy is likely in for a painful surprise. Children, especially teens, can sniff out hypocrisy or disingenuous compliments a mile away.

By contrast, children who get to know a potential stepparent before the marriage generally feel less pressure and may thus be able to more easily accept the new relationship when it occurs. If stepchildren know that their new stepparent genuinely cares for them, it will be easier for them to accept the new parent in their lives.

Of course, circumstances vary and every child has his or her own personality and concerns. Some children readily accept the new family, while others take longer to adapt.

How to be a good stepparent

The advice to take things slowly is not something people like to hear today; yet, if you want to become a good stepparent, this is the best formula.

If you’ve never had children, you are going to have the opportunity to assist the birth parent in rearing responsible children. If both of you are bringing children into a new family (blending families), an amazing opportunity awaits you in establishing and building new relationships between adults and children.

The transition into stepparenting brings with it many variables, which can include not only your new spouse, but also your new spouse’s children and your new spouse’s ex-partner. Because strong emotions are often involved, moving cautiously, slowly and carefully can pay huge dividends as you assume the role of stepparent.

Your love and caring will shine through as you set a good example for all to see. Just remember that relationships need time to blossom and grow.

Other factors that may impact the transition to stepparenting include:

• How old the children are. 
• How long you’ve known the kids. 
• How long you dated before marriage. 
• How well the parent you marry gets along with his or her ex-spouse. 
• How much time the children spend with you. 

New family, same boundaries

A wise stepparent will discuss the rules and boundaries of behavior within the home with their new potential spouse prior to getting married. Whatever the rules, it is important that the children see that everyone is held to the same standard.

Children are adept at sensing and pointing out hypocrisy or favoritism. Being consistent in implementing the rules of the home will help the children’s transition to any new or modified rules in the home.

The adults must work together when it comes to the rules. Any disagreements or potential changes should be discussed by the parents in private. And the biological parent should take the lead when it comes to correction. When a stepparent takes a corrective role too soon, the relationships can suffer

As a stepparent, you should make yourself available to discuss the rules with the children and help them understand any rules with which they may not be familiar. By doing so, you can show you indeed care for the happiness and safety of the children. This is a sign of how much you love them.

Explain the rules in the presence of all the children—those not yours by birth as well as your biological children. Remember, fairness in keeping and enforcing the rules of the home is very important.

Blended families: something old, something new

A stepparent will hear things like “When Daddy was here, we used to . . .” or “When Mommy was alive, each Sunday we . . .” Family traditions are hallmarks of the family unit. Adults and children alike enjoy routines that not only bring the family together, but produce happy and fulfilling experiences to be remembered fondly for weeks and months. Though a stepparent is not a “replacement” for the biological parent, he or she can perhaps find ways to enjoy and share in these special opportunities.

In fact, a newly blended family can carve out new family traditions. Activities like biking, horseback riding, scrapbooking or hiking can build strong bonds within a new family. Ask the children what they like to do and ask for feedback on activities completed together.

Stepparenting with respect for all

Whether the child’s other birth parent is alive or dead, the stepparent should show respect and be sensitive to the relationship the birth parent had with the children.

In some cases the relationship will continue, and children will continue to visit their birth parent. Wisdom dictates that the stepparent should not dishonor or disrespect the birth parent.

Christian stepparenting

Children require parenting no matter what their age. There are different parenting tools for different ages, but the fact remains—whether you’re a birth parent or stepparent, you have a tremendous responsibility to help shape and mold the minds of children.

The apostle Paul told parents, “Do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).

Will there be bumps in the road at times? Of course! Will children test the boundaries of house rules? Yes. When these and other matters arise in the day-to-day running of a home, the question is, will those responsible for the welfare of the children step up and parent?

Children are looking for good, capable adults to model for them how to live a structured life. A wise stepparent will strive to lead by example and patiently parent for the future benefit of all their children.

For more about blended families, see “Four Keys to Building a Strong Blended Family.” For more practical advice on parenting, see the articles in the “Parenting” and “Family” sections.