The Dangers of Hidden Sexual Sin

Trapped. Alone. Weak. Worthless. Beyond repair. This is how hidden sexual sin can leave its participants feeling. They may not have even started out with an intent to sin. Human beings are curious by nature, and some are led into sinful behaviors by simply not recognizing the dangerous path curiosity can lead them down.

Others head into sin knowingly, casting off restraint in the moment because the pull of “the passing pleasures of sin” is so strong (Hebrews 11:25).

Regardless of the pathway, the result can soon become a habitual pattern of sin, guilt and shame that feels impossible to break—especially if you feel it has to be done alone.

Even when the destructive pattern formed is recognized as unhealthy—mentally and morally—and a determination is made to break the habit, it is often accompanied by some internal chatter: “Okay, it’s time to stop. But you can’t tell anybody about this. Do you know what they would think of you? You’d be labeled as a pervert. Nobody would understand, and your reputation would be ruined. Nobody would want to be around you if they knew what you were really like. You have to keep this a secret. You can overcome this on your own, just don’t tell anybody.”

Sexual sin is nothing new

The book of Genesis alone records numerous forms of sexual sin that plagued the earliest days of human history (9:20-24; 19:4-5, 30-36; 34:1-2; 35:22; 38:9, 13-16; 39:7; etc.). And this is all just in the book of beginnings!

Similar sins and their damaging consequences continue throughout the record of Scripture, even affecting righteous people like David (2 Samuel 11:1-4).

Sexual sin is nothing new, and it does not discriminate based on age, sex or marital status. It can have a pull on even the most morally strong if they let their guard down (1 Corinthians 10:12).

But something is new

What’s new—or at least different—about sexual sin in our modern age is the ability to engage in it in much more hidden forms.

In previous eras, most sexual sins required someone else to know about it. With the exception of lust in the privacy of one’s mind and masturbation, most sexual sins involved a partner or some form of human interaction to purchase sexually charged materials such as pornography or erotic literature.

Not so anymore. With the tap of a smartphone that fits in a pocket, one can engage in a plethora of sexual sins that require nobody else to know.

Hidden forms of sexual sin

And therein lies the first danger of these forms of sexual sin. They can be easily hidden, engaged in privately and anonymously. This is possible in forms such as online pornography, erotica, anonymous sex chat rooms, voyeurism via live streams—and the list goes on.

Endless curiosities can be explored and lust and sexual fantasies fueled by the ability to do a search for any topic, regardless of how taboo it may be. The advancement of technology has effectively taken away the need to blush. And because this sin can be so easily hidden, it can be easy to keep hiding.

Sexual sin thrives on secrecy

The nature of sin itself is that it does not want to be found out. If it is brought to the light, it may need to be corrected and changed (John 3:19-20). And therefore, when we sin, we hide. That was the very reaction to sin from its inception among mankind—sin resulted in Adam and Eve hiding from the God who created them (Genesis 3:8).

Sexual sin can be forgiven and it can be overcome. In fact, it must be overcome and not accepted as a normal practice or lifestyle in order to inherit eternal life. We hide to avoid guilt and condemnation, but there is also a desire to continue in sin. The internal dialogue that says, “Nobody else can know,” often feigns preservation of reputation while actually promoting preservation of behavior.

That’s important to recognize. The fleshly mind does not want to overcome sin because of its passing pleasures. The works of the flesh want to be ignored. If not ignored, justified. If not justified, then minimized. If not minimized, then kept hidden in a private battle.

Why? Because the private battle is so often lost.

The danger of staying hidden

Sexual sin is more likely to remain unchanged when it can hide in secret. Many who have sought to “white knuckle it” on their own have experienced a pattern something like this:

• A determination to leave sexual sin behind and no longer engage in it.
• A period of success and stability.
• A trigger due to exposure to sexual content or an emotional experience that fires up neural pathways in the brain telling you this sexual behavior is what you want and it can help you cope.
• A period of resisting—like gripping a steering wheel so tightly to prevent a crash that your knuckles turn white.
• Followed by an eventual crash of relapse into sexual sin.

Then come those familiar feelings that accompany guilt and shame. Trapped. Alone. Weak. Worthless. Beyond repair.

You might clear those thoughts eventually, and maybe even start again. But the cycle often starts again too. When the struggle with sexual sin stays hidden, so does the need for help to truly overcome.

Many who have overcome unwanted sexual behavior (habits they formed over time, want to change, but keep finding themselves repeating), have done so only when their secret life was found out by a spouse, family member, employer or friend. These “hidden” sins often don’t stay hidden forever.

But the hiding doesn’t have to end in such a traumatic and relationship-damaging way as being “found out.” It can also be the result of a direct and purposeful choice to disempower secrecy by sharing your struggle with a trusted adviser or friend.

Sexual sin can be overcome

Let’s be clear: sexual sin can be forgiven and it can be overcome. In fact, it must be overcome and not accepted as a normal practice or lifestyle in order to inherit eternal life.

“Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites . . . will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God” (1 Corinthians 6:9-11, emphasis added throughout).

Some Christians in Corinth had previously engaged in patterns of sexual sin, but they were washed, sanctified and justified in God’s sight through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. They were forgiven of these sins, and encouraged to overcome and not go back to these lifestyles that they were previously known for.

Just a few verses later, the same brethren were told, “Flee sexual immorality.” The need to keep fleeing from sexual immorality and continue overcoming its pull doesn’t end instantly at conversion. Even the forgiven may need to keep fleeing in an effort to overcome. And that fleeing might need to include coming out of hiding by seeking help to change.

Listing the dangers

In summary, the dangers of hidden sexual sin include:

1. Ease of engagement due to its private nature.
2. Ease of continuation because nobody else knows. At least physically—God certainly knows since “there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are naked and open to the eyes of Him to whom we must give account” (Hebrews 4:13).
3. Increased feelings of helplessness and being alone in the battle. Because of disgust with your own hidden sin, you keep hiding—telling yourself you have to deal with this alone because it’s just too ugly and embarrassing to share.
4. Increased isolation as a result of self-degradation and comparison. Because you don’t know others’ secret sins, you assume nobody respectable struggles with similar things. You are left feeling like your sins are worse than those of all others. So, you hide in isolation, in fear you might be found out or with a belief that you are unworthy of meaningful connection. That distancing of self carries over into further disconnection from God.
5. Increased hopelessness that you can be forgiven. Sure, others can be, and maybe even you have been in the past. But you feel you’ve exhausted God’s mercy due to your repetitive failure to change.

Hiding is what the enemy wants

These effects of hidden sin in the sexual realm build and expand until they feel unbearable and inescapable—even though our helplessness is built on faulty thinking rather than Scripture. These dangers can keep you stuck in a pattern of hiding not only your sin but hiding yourself from God, friends and family.

Hiding in solitude feels like the only option. But it actually leaves you most vulnerable—because alone is right where the enemy wants you. “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour” (1 Peter 5:8).

Your adversary is aware of your weaknesses and seeks to prey on them. What easier target could there be for a lion on the prowl than one isolated, wandering on his or her own in despair?

You can’t wander on your own and expect to survive spiritual attacks. Instead, Peter encouraged: “Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world” (verse 9).

“The same sufferings? No . . . not these,” might be your thought. But the Word of God is sure. If you are suffering under the sway of temptation and the web of hidden sexual sin, there are others who have been there who can help.

Help for the hiding

God wants us to come to Him to seek forgiveness. He makes it possible for us to repent and wants to help us change. And that help may involve other people. Ask Him for the guidance and courage to get the help you need.

There are some burdens God does not expect us to carry alone and some battles that we need outside help to win. “Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:1-2).

When we are overtaken in a trespass—meaning we just can’t seem to escape its grip—spiritual restoration can be aided by a strong (yet gentle), understanding (yet wise) friend, mentor, pastor or professional. Of course, you would want and expect that person to hold anything you share in the strictest confidence.

There are other people who have been where you are and are no longer feeling trapped, alone, unforgivable or beyond repair. And there are others who might not have personal experience with sexual sin, but who compassionately understand the pull of sin in general and the help needed to escape addictive patterns.

There are people who have helped themselves and others take on a personal view as washed, sanctified, justified and on the continual path of fleeing sexual sin. And they want to help you get there too.

You don’t have to be alone in the battle against unwanted sexual behavior—if you are willing to come out of hiding. Fleeing from sexual immorality for good may depend on the help of a counselor or friend to help keep you accountable with a concrete plan to change. Not everyone will have the experience or compassion to handle this topic effectively. But you can find others who will handle it with grace and help direct you on a path of overcoming the sins you are sick of hiding. Others can help you bear only what you are willing to share.

Are you tired of hiding? Then it might be time to stop viewing sexual sins as “the sins nobody else can know about” and start treating them as the sins someone has to know about so you can find a path to freedom and lasting change.

For further study and practical suggestions, read “Freedom From Addiction,” “You Can Win the Battle Against Pornography Addiction” and “Overcoming the Temptation of Sexual Alternatives.”