If Your Brother Has Something Against You

The crowd must have been stunned as Jesus began to describe righteousness of the heart, comparing it with obeying the letter of the law only (Matthew 5:21-48).

The first teaching in this section of the Sermon on the Mount was a comparison of murder with anger (verses 21-22).

Then Jesus told the multitude that their relationships with other people are so vital that any disputes should be resolved immediately—even if it means delaying worship of God!

The words of Christ present a vivid image of someone stopping in the very act of worship:

“Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift” (verses 23-24).

No break in thought

A casual reading of verses 21 through 26 might leave you wondering how they fit together.

Even though the word anger is not mentioned in the last four verses of this segment, those verses also provide illustrations of anger. The first deals with anger in a brother. The second deals with the anger of an adversary.

“Remarkably,” Expositor’s Bible Commentary points out, “neither illustration deals with ‘your’ anger but with ‘your’ offense that has prompted the brother’s or the adversary’s rancor” (Vol. 8, p. 150).

Magnifying the law

Jesus had first magnified the law by expanding the topic from the literal act of murder to its emotional root, anger. This highlighted the emotional and spiritual aspect of the law. He did not stop there, however.

He then moved from the danger inherent in our own anger to the responsibility we have to remove anger-rousing obstacles we’ve put before others. This also magnifies the law.

Other parts of Scripture, of course, are consistent with what Jesus taught. In the Law of Moses God commands us to “love your neighbor as yourself” (Leviticus 19:18).

The context in that Old Testament passage is helping others avoid sin (verse 17). That includes restoring relationships torn apart by anger, so we need to look at the nature of anger.

Is anger itself sin?

We all experience anger. It is a normal part of life, and anger itself is not sin. Jesus, who lived without ever sinning, experienced anger.

For example, He was angry at the leaders of a synagogue who opposed His merciful act of healing on the Sabbath (Mark 3:1-5). His anger was based on “the hardness of their hearts.”

However, our anger may not be righteous indignation, as His was, but may simply be a result of frustration. Whatever the cause, we must heed the apostle Paul’s admonition, “Be angry, and do not sin” (Ephesians 4:26).

The problem with anger

Paul then urged Christians not to “let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil” (verses 26-27).

Unresolved anger can fester, growing in a person’s heart until it consumes that individual’s every thought. It truly opens the door to Satan.

Hebrews addresses this problem, referring to it as a “root of bitterness” (Hebrews 12:15). This type of anger is dangerous, not only for the person who harbors those feelings, but for anyone around him or her. It can result in many others becoming “defiled” (verse 15).

Two ways you can help your brother or sister by reconciling

If your brother (or sister) has something against you, the source of his or her anger is you. How can you help make it easier for the person to deal with that anger?

Among the 10 tips the Mayo Clinic has identified that help someone control or manage personal anger, a couple relate to the source (or perceived source) of that anger.

One tip for dealing with anger is to identify possible solutions. That will be easier for your brother if you are there and willing to do your part in resolving the issue.

The other tip is for a person to forgive rather than to hold a grudge.

Make it as easy as possible for the other person to forgive you. Forgiveness is not easy, but it is far easier when the offending party asks for forgiveness, and when both parties work together for reconciliation.

Be concerned for your brother’s health

The spiritual damage caused by unresolved anger is not the only problem. It may also have adverse effects on a person’s health.

The U.S. National Institutes of Health asserted that “ongoing anger might lead to permanent damage and increased risk for cardiovascular disease.”

David may have had in mind both the spiritual and physical destruction caused by anger when he urged, “Cease from anger, and forsake wrath; do not fret—it only causes harm” (Psalm 37:8).

James wrote that Christians should “confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed” (James 5:16).

James was not suggesting that we all confess to every other Christian indiscriminately. Expositor’s explains: “If a person has sinned against a brother, he should confess the sin to him. This will no doubt result in mutual confession—‘to each other’” (Vol. 12, p. 204).

When to approach your brother

Jesus stressed the urgency for His followers to reconcile. Worshipping God is a vital aspect of our lives and should not be taken lightly.

Even so, Christ emphatically told those listening to Him, “Leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift” (Matthew 5:24). Restoring a broken relationship is that important!

Reconciliation is a priority. After all, that’s what the Christian life is all about. God “gave His only begotten Son” to reconcile us to Him (John 3:16). In fact, Paul even called his role in preaching the gospel message “the ministry of reconciliation” (2 Corinthians 5:18).

If God is reconciling the whole world to Himself through the sacrifice of His only begotten Son, shouldn’t we seek to make reconciliation a priority?

Now is the time to seek reconciliation. The longer you wait, the more difficult the task becomes. We’re told, “A brother offended is harder to win than a strong city, and contentions are like the bars of a castle” (Proverbs 18:19).

How to approach your brother

We can look to Christ for the key to reconciliation. (He, of course, was not a sinner. We are. Still, His mindset can help us restore relationships we’ve had some part in breaking.)

A key Jesus displayed is humility. He “humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross” (Philippians 2:8).

In a sense, we as Christians must put to death whatever parts of our lives interfere with our ability to love our neighbors. Paul spelled out what this means just a few verses prior to his description of Christ humbling Himself:

“Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others” (verses 3-4).

Don’t forget to pray

Humility does not begin with how we view others, but with our relationship with God. We humble ourselves when we pray, and God hears the humble (Isaiah 66:2).

Acknowledging whatever it is that we’ve done to hurt others is a good starting place. Ask God for forgiveness before you ask for forgiveness from your brother or sister who has something against you.

And ask God for the wisdom that will help you reach out to the other person effectively. God will not leave you hanging, but will give “liberally and without reproach” (James 1:5).

You might even consider asking others to pray for you as well. This does not mean you need to divulge every detail. Simply asking for prayers so you can restore a relationship may be sufficient.

Meeting with your brother

When you are spiritually, mentally and emotionally prepared, contact your brother to set up a private meeting in a quiet place where you will not be disturbed. Be sure to show up on time, and do nothing that would be viewed as confrontational.

Then speak with your brother candidly, expressing a heartfelt desire to restore the relationship. Confess any wrongs you have done, whether intentionally or not. Recognize that perceived offenses can be just as damaging to relationships.

If the problem arose through some sort of miscommunication, assure your brother that you will make every effort to avoid any future miscommunications.

Some few individuals may not respond to your efforts in a positive way. However, most of those who are truly striving to live the Christian life will. And you will have won your brother back!

For further biblical advice, see our study guide The 5 Rs of Healing Relationships.