Relationship Expectations

We all need strong relationships. We long for love and hope for a lasting romance. These needs and longings and hopes are natural, and naturally lead to expectations.

When expectations collide

We all develop expectations about relationships as we grow up, watch our families, watch movies and imagine our ideal future.

The trouble is, other people develop other expectations. The person you are attracted to no doubt has different expectations.

And many relationship expectations today are simply unrealistic. Eddie and Shannon Foster call it “the Disneyfication of marriage” in their helpful “Marriage Problems” blog series. Unrealistic expectations led people they surveyed to tell them things like:

• “I wish I had known he would change once he got me to marry him. I never would have done it.”
• “Whatever foibles you see in the other person will probably remain and may even worsen.”
• “Dating is the easy part. Marriage is not.”

Expectations matter

In his timeless classic Letters to Karen, Charlie Shedd, a minister who had counseled many couples, told his own daughter before her wedding:

“When you marry, you become more vulnerable to disappointment and hurt than you have ever been before. But you have decided it is worth the risk” (1965, p. 22).

However, it’s important to make a realistic assessment of that risk.

Realistic relationship expectations

Expecting perfection is not realistic. Research on relationship satisfaction confirms that “individuals who believe that their partner must be ideal in all ways become less satisfied over time” (“Development of Relationship Satisfaction Across the Life Span,” Psychological Bulletin, October 2021).

A biblical key to good communication is careful listening. John Gottman, Ph.D., known for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction, encourages couples to have high but realistic expectations.

“In a good enough relationship, people have high expectations for how they’re treated. They expect to be treated with kindness, love, affection, and respect. They do not tolerate emotional or physical abuse. They expect their partner to be loyal.

“This doesn’t mean they expect their relationship to be free of conflict” (Gottman.com). 

Learning to resolve such conflicts is a necessary skill that the Bible teaches (see “The 5 Rs of Healing Relationships”). It involves hard work and self-sacrifice, but it is well worth the effort.

Scott Stanley, a senior fellow of the Institute for Family Studies, advises committed couples, “Do not spend a lot of time wishing your partner was different on things like personality or education or political views. Focus, instead, on what you can do to make the dynamic between the two of you as good as it can be. That is going to mean looking for levers you can pull to make a difference (such as listening more to your partner or being more emotionally supportive)—not waiting around for your partner to change” (ifstudies.org).

Discovering expectations

A marriage preparation manual explains:

“Every person who marries enters the marriage relationship with certain expectations . . . It is important to take the time to find out what these expectations are, which can be achieved, which are realistic, and how to handle them when things do not go according to plans” (Wes Roberts and H. Norman Wright, Before You Say “I Do,” 1997, p. 25).

The authors suggest that marriages go through three stages: enchantment, disenchantment and maturity. Realistically discussing expectations in advance can help minimize the disenchantment stage.

Communication is key

We all have expectations, even if we haven’t consciously listed them. Yet by default most people seem to expect the person who loves them to be able to read their mind. This is unfair and unrealistic.

Rachel Needle, Psy.D., wrote on the Psychology Today blog about some of the expectations couples need to figure out by talking and listening to each other—hopefully in advance of conflict.

“What is asking too much? What is asking too little? Where are my boundaries? Where are my partner’s boundaries? It can be difficult to answer these questions, especially in the heat of an argument—or the frozen tundra of resentment.”

Dr. Needle concluded: “Managing relationship expectations is an ongoing process that requires effort, understanding, and flexibility. By engaging in open communication, cultivating realistic views, practicing empathy, and being adaptable, couples can foster healthier and more satisfying relationships.”

A biblical key to good communication is careful listening. “So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath” (James 1:19).

What should we expect of ourselves?

In a similar way, we should be quick to expect of ourselves and slow to expect of our mate. Truly the only person I can change is myself, and ultimately for that I need a big dose of God’s help.

We should expect ourselves to keep our commitments and to always love our mate, even in the hard times.

While having realistic expectations of our mate and high expectations of ourselves may not sound very romantic, it does sound a lot like love—the kind of love that Paul says never fails (1 Corinthians 13:8; see “The Love Chapter”).

What God expects

God expects married couples to fulfill their commitments. Biblical marriage ceremonies generally involve making promises like these:

“Do you then, [his name], faithfully promise and covenant with God, in the presence of these witnesses, to take [her name] to be your lawful wedded wife—in sickness and in health, in good times and in difficult times, for as long as you both shall live—to love her, cherish her, honor her and provide for her? [Groom answers.]

“And do you, [her name], faithfully promise and covenant with God, in the presence of these witnesses, to take [his name] to be your lawful wedded husband—in sickness and in health, in good times and in difficult times, for as long as you both shall live—to love him, cherish him, honor him and, as God has ordained, submit yourself to him? [Bride answers.]”

Keeping these commitments will not be easy, but couples who do will be pleasing to God and receive His blessings. They will be building a beautiful foundation and legacy. They will be picturing the deeply meaningful relationship of Christ with the Church (Ephesians 5:22-33).

What more could anyone expect?

Study further in our free booklet God’s Design for Marriage.