Lessons From the First Year of Marriage

“And they both lived happily ever after” . . . and then what? 

On their wedding day, two people commit to one another in the presence of God, forever altering the course of their lives. It’s the beginning of a new family and the blending of two lives into one. But often in entertainment, this is where the story or movie ends. 

In reality, the wedding is where the story begins. As a couple embarks on this life-changing journey, they enter a critical period of time, building the foundation of their marriage and setting the tone for the years to come. 

Why is the first year of a new marriage so crucial? 

Reflecting on the first year 

With this in mind, we wanted to take some time to reflect on what we learned during our first year of marriage. But rather than rely on our experience alone, we wanted to incorporate the lessons others have learned as well. 

So we talked to several couples, who have been married for anywhere from a few months to five years. We asked them about the advice they received before marriage, the biggest lessons they’ve learned so far and what advice they would share with newlyweds. 

Combining their responses and our own personal experience, we compiled the following list of lessons from the first year of marriage.

Lessons learned 

1. Communicate early and often. 

As the saying goes, “communication is key.” In marriage, it’s the key to avoiding misunderstandings and conflict while also fostering a deeper connection and closeness with your spouse.

Communication starts well before you get married, and it should remain a constant part of your daily life thereafter.

Communication is especially important when it comes to resolving conflict. Remember that your spouse will never understand your concerns unless you voice them.

It’s surprising how many problems can be easily fixed or avoided when both spouses openly and caringly communicate their thoughts and feelings. 

However, this doesn’t mean that you will never experience conflict. We are imperfect human beings, so misunderstandings will occur. When difficulties come up, communicating your concerns and feelings is absolutely necessary. 

Don’t allow issues to fester.  

It’s easy to think that an issue swept under the rug is resolved. In reality, these unresolved problems are like an unstable dam holding back tons of water, waiting to burst and cause destruction (Proverbs 17:14). Sooner or later, these issues will resurface, and the pressure could cause the dam to break, severely harming your relationship. 

Discussing issues as they come up can keep you from reaching that breaking point. When you feel uncomfortable talking about something with your spouse, it may be a sign that you need to talk about it.

No issue is too big or too small to discuss together.

2. Seek to truly understand your spouse. 

Peter instructs husbands to “dwell with them [their wives] with understanding” (1 Peter 3:7). Scripture shows that, in doing so, husbands show honor to their wives. Though this instruction was primarily given to husbands, it applies equally to wives.

Feeling understood by someone else is one of the most comforting and reassuring feelings. 

As you grow together, make it a priority to continuously learn about and understand each other. But you can’t simply expect your spouse to understand you without putting in effort to understand him or her. Listed as Habit No. 5 in his book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, author Stephen Covey explains that we must “seek first to understand, then to be understood.” 

For as much effort as you spend trying to communicate your own thoughts and feelings to your spouse, aim to spend twice as much time listening and trying to understand him or her.

Dedicating the time to learn and remember the details he or she shares with you, no matter how small, will go a long way in showing how much you care about him or her. 

The purpose of understanding our spouse is to better appreciate and serve him or her, not to try to change our spouse into the person we think he or she should be. 

Both you and your spouse will continue to change and grow as you experience new things. Never assume you know everything about your partner. As you grow together, make it a priority to continuously learn about and understand each other.

3. Anticipate your spouse’s needs.  

When you understand your spouse’s thoughts and feelings, as well as the experiences that shaped his or her personality, you learn unique ways to serve him or her. 

When you understand others on a deeper level, you learn how to anticipate their needs in a way no one else can (Philippians 2:3-4).

The strongest marriages consist of two people who actively look for ways to better serve each other. The strongest marriages consist of two people who actively look for ways to better serve each other.

For example, you may learn that your spouse struggles with organization and planning. So, you could decide to proactively assist him or her by doing the majority of the planning for big events and trips, alleviating this pressure and allowing him or her to focus on another area of greater strength.  

The beautiful thing about this kind of service is that it can really resonate with your spouse, making him or her feel loved, understood and supported. And, in turn, your spouse will be more likely to find ways to actively serve you as well.

4. Strive for unity. 

God created marriage to unite husband and wife in a bond closer than any other human relationship (Genesis 2:21-25; Matthew 19:4-6). While a husband and wife become “one,” they are still two separate human beings with their own skills, imperfections and challenges. (For a deeper study on God’s purpose for marriage, read “What Is Marriage?”) 

As a couple, you must face the stresses and challenges of life together. If you do not have a strong bond resulting in a united front, the challenges of life can drive a wedge between you. But any challenge can be conquered by putting God first in your relationship and working together with His help.

Some of the most common stressors mentioned by the couples we surveyed were:

• Money. Challenges can arise when each spouse has a different approach to spending and saving money. The couples we surveyed found that open communication about money habits and spending, along with developing an agreed-upon budget, greatly helped relieve this stressor.
• Work. Work stress can negatively influence attitudes and life outside of work. This stressor can be alleviated by recognizing when priorities become unbalanced and then taking the necessary steps to ensure you spend quality time together and support each other’s needs.  
• Unrealistic expectations. You and your spouse are human and will make mistakes. Be realistic, flexible and forgiving. In addition, the expectations of family, friends and others may, at times, put stress on your new family. It’s important to maintain a united front when addressing these external pressures.

No matter the challenges or difficult decisions you face, you and your spouse must be united and rely on God and each other to succeed.

5. Prioritize family time. 

It’s easy to get caught up in the busyness of life, only to wonder how time went by so quickly and why you feel disconnected from your spouse. As much as possible, prioritize setting aside time to spend with God and each other. 

Here are a few ways to build in quality time:

• Pray together.
• Take morning or evening walks.
• Dedicate time for talking in the evening.
• Schedule regular game, movie or date nights.

Sometimes quality time comes in the little moments that you don’t expect, like a hilarious comment from your spouse, dancing when you hear a favorite song, inside jokes and shared service opportunities. 

Savor the little moments and make time for each other every day.

6. Combine the best of both worlds. 

Inevitably, you and your spouse will have different ideas about how certain things should be done. Each of you will bring different expectations, traditions and habits from your family backgrounds—many of which you won’t fully discover until after you’re married. 

• Morning or evening routines.
• Time spent alone vs. socializing with friends and family. 
• How to clean, wash dishes or fold laundry.
• How much peanut butter is reasonable for a person to eat.
• How to shop for groceries.

It’s important to approach areas in which you differ with an open mind, resisting the urge to become defensive or rigid about your own ideas and preferences.

Being flexible will allow you to blend the best of what each of you brings into the marriage as you establish your new household together. 

7. Cheer on your spouse.

As a married couple, you will have the unique opportunity to witness all the hard work that your spouse puts into learning new skills, facing challenges and growing spiritually in life. From this front-row seat, you can become his or her biggest cheerleader. 

One of the most rewarding aspects of marriage is watching the person you love succeed and grow. You have the opportunity to cheer your spouse on and celebrate his or her victories—whether it’s a job promotion, achieving a personal goal, overcoming a challenge or discovering a new way to serve others. 

8. Dream together. 

Prior to your wedding, you and your spouse had—or will have had—many conversations about your goals and future adventures. Life is exciting, and the world is full of possibilities! 

This sentiment should carry forward into your first year of marriage and beyond. Never stop dreaming about your future together! How will you work toward your goals? What fun hobbies or new skills will you learn together? What grand travel adventures will you take? 

Dreaming together and working toward your goals will keep life exciting and always give you something to look forward to.

The first year is just the beginning

Marriage is so much more than what we see in books and fairy tales. It is a challenging yet beautiful journey that requires constant communication, understanding, service, unity, quality time, healthy compromise, encouragement and more.  

Interestingly, every couple we surveyed said that they were told their first years of marriage would be the hardest. But every couple unanimously agreed that, in their case, that simply wasn’t true.

While the first year of marriage includes unique challenges, it truly is a blessing when you marry the right person and put in the hard work. Life is enriched when you spend it with the person you love.

Your first year of marriage is just the beginning of your journey. By applying these lessons, as well as additional lessons you’ll learn together, you and your spouse can make the rest of your story even better. 

The best chapters are yet to come. 

To learn more about your role in marriage, see “How to Be a Good Wife” or “How to Be a Good Husband.” For lessons learned from long-lasting marriages, see “How Great Marriages Work.”

Date Posted: November 25, 2024