How to Overcome Trust Issues in a Relationship

Trust is fragile and easily broken, especially when we try to be truthful yet succumb to dishonesty.

These mistakes are most costly in close relationships—and rebuilding trust can be exceptionally difficult.

Some relationships may never recover, especially if one side refuses to change or adjust in necessary ways. 

How do we get through trust issues in our relationships? 

Value trust as much as God does

First, we need to consider why trust is vital and how to make it a priority again.

God places a high value on trustworthiness because it’s a core attribute of His character (Titus 1:2). If He weren’t trustworthy, how could we ever put our confidence in Him and not lean on human reasoning as we’re told in Proverbs 3:5-6? This trust is vital to a Christian’s life and the source of a close bond between humans and their Creator. 

Trust and trustworthiness show others how much we value them and value keeping our relationships strong. God also wants us to build that same trustworthiness in our lives. That’s why His law includes a commandment to always tell the truth (Exodus 20:16). 

On the human level, the positives for building trust are obvious. Trust has been called the glue of life and is necessary for our relationships to work and thrive.

Consider some of the ways we innately desire to trust others: 

• We want to trust that our bosses and coworkers are not quietly plotting to mistreat us or hold us back.
• We want to trust that our spouses honestly represent themselves and are wholeheartedly committed to us, flaws and all.
• We want to trust that our friends care for us and are not using us as gossip fodder.
• We want to trust that family members genuinely look out for each other’s best interests.

Trust and trustworthiness show others how much we value them and value keeping our relationships strong. But we are not always the examples of trustworthiness we should be and that we expect others to be. 

So, when we are the ones who have severed the trust in a relationship, demonstrating renewed trustworthiness will be vital to rebuilding the relationship. But it takes work and time. 

What must that work entail? Let’s consider two keys to rebuilding trust after we’ve damaged it in a relationship. 

1. Commit to tact and transparency.  

Certain matters are best kept private rather than letting them slip out into the public. Exercising tactful gentleness and discerning when to keep our mouths shut are perfect examples of this type of discretion.

The transparency needed to rebuild trust is more comprehensive. In a relationship, we must help the other party feel confident of our truthfulness and loyalty.

This requires both transparency and accountability, not just sweet-sounding words and platitudes.

Barriers to transparency have to be removed. For example:

• When it is necessary to say something, speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15) rather than using dishonest flattery to spare feelings. While there may be some initial discomfort, it is foundational for developing long-term trust.  
• Grant spouses full access to our devices, eliminating barriers to verifying our communications and online habits. Share access to each other’s emails, social media and bank accounts to create a framework of total transparency.
• Follow through with commitments to friends. If you cannot make an event, be up-front, no matter the reason. Set up solid plans to avoid the dreaded noncommittal “We should get together sometime.” 
• Be forthright about any ethical considerations preventing you from keeping certain information confidential. (For example: “Whatever you tell me, I will also need to tell your parents,” or “I don’t keep secrets from my wife, so please don’t ask me to.”)

2. Embrace mercy and forgiveness.

Mistakes will happen despite everyone’s best efforts. We all are human (Romans 3:23), so try as we might, we will often be guilty of causing trust issues in our relationships.

We must remember that God will not forgive us if we don’t forgive each other. We must remember that God will not forgive us if we don’t forgive each other (Matthew 6:15). We can look at our own mistakes in the realm of trust and realize that we all have made significant blunders.

This doesn’t mean we should be pushovers, expect mistreatment or place complete trust in someone untrustworthy—nor can we demand forgiveness when we’ve hurt others.

But here are some ways we can encourage the other party to forgive us after we’ve repented:   

• Ask the other person in the relationship what we can do to help him or her rebuild trust in us.
• Discuss how the relationship must necessarily change or adapt while trust is being rebuilt (more accountability, time to cool off, more conversations, etc.).
• Look to the future with the hope that trust can be rebuilt rather than focusing on guilt and shame. What steps must be taken? What needs to happen before things can get back to normal?

Trust can be rebuilt with time and effort

With the right glue and much patience, a shattered vase can be put back together piece by piece. Sometimes rebuilding trust can seem impossible, but not all hope is lost.

Trust can be repaired by valuing trustworthiness as God does, committing to transparency and moving forward with grace and compassion. 

The relationships we value deserve our best efforts to rebuild trust.

Date Posted: July 8, 2024