How to Handle Rejection

So, your world has come to an end.

At least, it may feel like it.

Someone had everything you wanted—he or she checked every box. And you were sure that he or she was the perfect person for you.

But the other person didn’t feel the same way.

In a situation like this, it is normal for a person to feel humiliated, depressed—rejected. It can feel like the end of the world.

How does someone survive rejection?

“Is there something wrong with me?”

In the aftermath of rejection, it’s normal for one question to cloud your every thought: Is something wrong with me?

Be careful about this kind of thinking. All too often, questions like these can turn into a whirlpool of negativity that drudges up our deepest fears, anxieties and insecurities until we drown in a sea of self-doubt.

Emotions—especially love and attraction—are deeply complex and personal things. Not everyone feels things exactly the same way. Therefore, romantic feelings won’t always be reciprocated.

Just because someone didn’t return your feelings doesn’t automatically mean there’s something wrong with you. It could simply mean that what he or she is looking for in a relationship is different from what you can provide. It could also mean that at the moment he or she isn’t at the same place in life as you are.

It isn’t so much a question of something being wrong with anyone as it is a recognition that each person has different needs. You haven’t been rejected, even though the relationship has.

Still, being turned away by someone you care about is a deeply painful event.

After rejection, it often feels as though you have been through a breakup, even if no official relationship ever occurred. You will need time to mourn your loss—your idea of what life could look like with that particular person.

That’s normal too. It’s okay to feel hurt. But it’s important we not let negative emotions consume us. The Bible tells us to keep our minds focused on positive things (Philippians 4:8). If we find that our pain is leading us to be consumed by negative thoughts and emotions, it may be time to seek a change. We may need to work on not allowing ourselves to become too emotionally invested in a person prematurely. If negative thoughts become extreme or constant to the point of depression, seek help from a trained counselor or someone you trust.

An opportunity for growth

While rejection isn’t automatically an indication that there is something wrong with you, it can provide an opportunity for self-improvement. After you’ve taken the time to process your feelings, it isn’t a bad idea to deal with some hard questions.

Suffering through rejection is a trial—and it can produce the right results in us if we let it. Take the opportunity to look deep within yourself for things you want to improve upon. Maybe there are certain things that you can do better the next time around.

For example, if you find it difficult to express yourself to others, perhaps practice by opening up to people you feel comfortable with before expanding to a wider group. Or, if you find it difficult to make casual conversation, which is often helpful in building strong relationships, ask someone who is more comfortable for tips.

Life is all about growth, so don’t be ashamed if, in your search, you find certain qualities lacking. However, as you look for growth opportunities, avoid the pitfall of beating yourself up over questions you can’t answer.

These often take the form of “what ifs.” You may ask yourself, “What if I’d said something to him/her sooner?” “What if I’d done this little thing differently?” “What if I’d asked him/her out in a different way?”

These questions have no real answers. Asking these things will keep you living in the past, wondering about scenarios that will never happen. Focus on the things you can still change, rather than what you cannot.

Rejection is a trial—but trials have a purpose

Rejection has a way of making us doubt. We doubt that we have anything to offer someone else. We doubt that there is anyone out there for us.

You aren’t the first to harbor these doubts. As Solomon wrote, “There is nothing new under the sun” (Ecclesiastes 1:9).

It is important for us to remember that God is building character in His people through life experiences. Sometimes, that means building character through trials.

The apostle James encourages Christians to persevere through trials, knowing that there is a purpose behind each and every one of them:

“My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing” (James 1:2-4).

This passage shows us that, as difficult as trials may be, there is something to be learned from the things that we endure in this life.

We often think of trials as major, life-or-death issues, but in reality, they come in different forms. Anything that challenges or discourages us—including the sting that follows being rejected by someone we care about—could be considered a trial.

Suffering through rejection is a trial—and it can produce the right results in us if we let it.

Recognize that God is trying to build something in you through this experience—even if you can’t quite figure out what it is right now.

Pray for God’s help to grow as a result of your trial. Ask God for the wisdom and discernment necessary to understand what He is trying to help you learn (James 1:5).

As a wise songwriter once put it, “God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you.”

As difficult as the road to finding true love may seem, it often feels much less arduous at the end.

One day, after you have found that person you’ll spend the rest of your life with, you’ll look back at all the roadblocks and speed bumps along the way with a sense of gratitude, recognizing that each one helped you grow into the person you needed to be. The broken road behind you will seem so much shorter when you’re looking at the vast road ahead.

Take comfort in knowing that God is working with you now to make you the kind of person you need to be in the future. Each rejection you’ve faced is a learning opportunity that you’ll be thankful for when you’ve finally found the right person.

Practical tips for maintaining a positive attitude

Even if you know there is a brighter future ahead, it can still be difficult to stay positive when pain is recent and raw.

Here are some practical tips for keeping a positive attitude in the wake of rejection:

• Pray about it. God loves to hear from His children and desires to help us in our time of need.
• Find someone to confide in. Sharing our problems with someone who cares can often alleviate the pain that we carry around with us, making it easier to bear.
• Journal. Sometimes getting all your thoughts and feelings out on paper can help put things in a different perspective.
• Get out in nature. Spending time in God’s creation can clear the mind and keep our focus on Him.
• Meditate on good things. While we may be tempted to wallow in self-pity, we are told that a Christian should keep his or her mind on more helpful things (Philippians 4:8).
• Strive to mend the relationship. Even if things don’t go the way you want with a person romantically, you can still try to be friends. If possible, strive to make sure that the relationship doesn’t fade—sometimes it’s better to have a friend than a boyfriend or girlfriend.
• Look for learning opportunities. Seek things that you can improve in your life so that you can become a more mature, well-rounded person.
• Don’t be afraid to put yourself back out there. Rejection stings, but there are plenty of other people out there for you to pursue. Get out there and try again!
• Separate romantic rejection from your self-worth. Rejection doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you. The person rejected the relationship—not you.

Life after rejection

It may feel like your world has ended, but there is life after rejection. The rawness that you may feel now is painful—but it can also lead to all kinds of growth if you let it.

The road is often rocky, and sometimes it feels like a dead end—but that doesn’t mean it will always feel that way. If you put your faith in God, the path won’t necessarily always be smooth, but it will always end in the right destination.

Your world hasn’t ended.

You’ve just reached a rock on a road that will lead you to all kinds of wonderful things if you just keep walking.

For more helpful articles, check out the “Relationships” section on Life, Hope & Truth.