Our “Core Four” Characteristics of a Godly Marriage

Every relationship has its own story. Ours may be unique, but it is our story. 

Picture this:

After just one week of dating, the guy walks the girl out to her car to say goodbye and declares, “I’m not sure where this relationship will go, but all couples have ups and downs. If we can commit to effective communication, honesty, respect and service, we’ll be able to get through anything.”

Communication. Honesty. Respect. Service. “I can commit to those!” she said in excitement.

And so began the “core four” of our relationship.

We strive to apply these “core four” characteristics to our motives, thoughts, actions and speech toward and with one another. All that we do goes back to our “core four,” characterizing our marriage today.

What makes these characteristics godly? How can they be applied to foster a godly marriage?

Communication

Effective communication is a foundational characteristic of any healthy marriage. It is the means by which all information is sent and received between you and your spouse. Effective communication occurs when both the sender and receiver clearly understand the information being transmitted.

Two major enemies of a healthy relationship are silence and an unwillingness to listen and understand. Without communication, there is no relationship to nurture. Without an ear to hear, the communication being sent is of no value.

Communication is essential to any relationship. God encourages us to talk to Him in prayer and to listen to Him through Bible study. He also set us the example of caring about the details of our lives.

Two major enemies of a healthy relationship are silence and an unwillingness to listen and understand. Without communication, there is no relationship to nurture. As Luke reminds us, “the very hairs” of our heads are numbered (Luke 12:7). 

So, how committed are you to understanding the details of your spouse’s life? One way to apply this is by simply asking your spouse about his or her day and having an ear to understand him or her before answering. Committing to understanding the details about your spouse fosters a healthy relationship, allowing for open and honest communication to be sent and received.

Choose to prioritize effective communication with your spouse. Strive to understand his or her perspective and pay attention to your tone of voice when expressing difficult thoughts. Often, how we say something matters more than the words themselves.

Nonverbal gestures can be of help too. Consider these ideas: If your spouse is talking to you, turn your shoulders in his or her direction to express your focus on what he or she is communicating. Put your phone down at the dinner table. Validate his or her thoughts before giving your own perspective.

Psychologist Jordan Peterson offered an insightful perspective on this topic in an interview, saying, “Your life isn’t margaritas on the beach in Jamaica . . . Your life is how your wife greets you at the door when you come home every day. Because that’s like ten minutes a day. Your life is how you treat each other over the breakfast table because that’s an hour every single day. You get those mundane things right, those things you do every day . . . you’ve got 80% of your life put together. These little things that are right in front of us—they are not little.”

Actively listening to your spouse every day can greatly benefit your marriage.

Choose effective communication with your spouse every day.

Truthfulness

Our initial “core four” term here was “honesty.” We later changed it to “truthfulness.” What’s the difference between “honesty” and “truthfulness”?

To be “honest” means “to be free of deceit and untruthfulness; sincere.” To be “truthful” means “to be telling or expressing the truth; honest.” Each term uses the other in its definitions. 

We are to “put away falsehood” and “speak the truth,” and since we are “members one of another,” we should value sharing the whole story (Ephesians 4:25, English Standard Version).

Why did we make truthfulness a part of our “core four” of marriage? Being truthful with your spouse can release fears and doubts that hinder your ability to grow in unity as a couple.

Being truthful with your spouse can foster a strong foundation of trust, deepen intimacy and improve communication. It allows for vulnerability and creates a healthier, more fulfilling relationship in which both partners feel safe and secure.

Failing to be truthful can be one of the greatest dangers for a marriage. Don’t risk your marriage by hiding truths from your spouse. Instead, foster a safe space of truthfulness.

Respect

Emerson Eggerichs, a New York Times best-selling author, starts his book Love and Respect with, “Wives are made to love, want to love, and expect love . . . Husbands are made to be respected, want respect, and expect respect.”

Dr. Eggerichs wrote his book on the purpose and impact of Ephesians 5:33, which says, “Let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”

He explains the life-changing decision married couples need to make to simply love and respect their spouse. But is it really that simple?

Why did we make respect a “core four” of our marriage? 

In his letter to the Romans, Paul instructed Christians to “be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another” (Romans 12:10). 

Paul doesn’t say here to love and give honor only if you agree with another, only if you’re in another’s presence, or only if you feel like it. You are to love and give honor always. It’s a choice, an attitude, a lifestyle you have to commit to having toward your spouse every day.

If you face a temptation to disrespect your spouse, whether directly or indirectly, fight it. If you love and respect your spouse and respect the marriage vows that you agreed to before God, you’ll do everything in your power to ensure you don’t show disrespect to your spouse. How hard are you working to respect your spouse?

Respect signifies valuing your partner as an equal, acknowledging his or her worth, and treating him or her with dignity. It is essential for building a strong, healthy and lasting relationship. Respect is showing proper courtesy and honor toward your spouse, always.

In a marriage, pairing respect with the love you have for your spouse, whether he or she is in your presence or not, is an absolute necessity for a lasting relationship.

Service

Have you ever made an excuse not to serve your spouse? Have you maybe been too tired? Too busy? Are you “not good” at helping him or her? Do you lack the skills to help in the way he or she needs you to? It’s fair to say we’re all guilty in some way.

What makes it so hard to serve your spouse sometimes?

Service requires sacrifice—sacrifice of time, energy and self, all of which can go against our natural tendency to care for ourselves first. But just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it’s bad. God actually requires this of us. Your ultimate role toward one another in marriage is not just to serve, but to sacrifice.

Paul’s address to the Galatians speaks of the attitude we are to have in serving our spouse. He writes, “For you, brethren, have been called to liberty; only do not use liberty as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another” (Galatians 5:13).

Service requires sacrifice—sacrifice of time, energy and self, all of which can go against our natural tendency to care for ourselves first. Paul is warning us about our freedom of choice. We have the ability to choose between pleasing ourselves at the expense of another and conquering our flesh by loving one another and putting his or her needs above our own. What does he mean by “serve”? “Serve,” translated from douleuo, means “to be a slave.” It comes from the word for slave, one who is “devoted to another to the disregard of one’s own interests.”

After reading that, you may ask, “What! I have to disregard my own interests?” Not to fret! Disregarding your own interests at the expense of a stronger marriage is worth it.

What is a practical way to start serving your spouse? Consider his or her needs and start small: Make the bed in the morning, do the dishes tonight, be the first to start folding laundry once it’s clean, leave him encouraging notes, or buy her flowers on a random Tuesday. The small things can make a big difference.

Why did we make service a part of our “core four” of marriage? Service is what Jesus Christ Himself came to do. Jesus “did not come to be served, but to serve” (Matthew 20:28). We are to walk as He walked, so if His life was characterized by giving, ours should be too.

Start small by serving out of an attitude of love, just as Jesus came to do.

Foster a godly marriage

What characterizes your marriage today? Whether you’re newlyweds or have been married for 50+ years, join us in committing to our “core four”!

Communication. Truthfulness. Respect. Service.

These characteristics can help you foster a godly marriage and support you in your pursuit of godliness together.

Learn more about characteristics that make up a godly marriage in the “Marriage” section of Life, Hope & Truth.

Photo credit:
Sergii Kateryniuk/iStock via Getty Images

Date Posted: April 21, 2025