How to Honor a Parent Who Isn’t Honorable

A viewer of one of our Life, Hope & Truth videos on the Fifth Commandment posted the following comment and questions:

“I follow most of what you say, however, what of the children who are abused? Mother abused and father just pure evil. How do we respect this commandment in such a case? Would God want us to stick to an evil person, whether it is family or not, and continue to be abused, and allow our offspring to be abused, by honoring the evildoer?”

The short answer is no, God does not expect us to subject ourselves or any others to abuse. 

However, that doesn’t mean we are exempt from respecting God’s Fifth Commandment.

Human failure vs. abuse

It’s important to distinguish between human failings and abuse. All human parents have shortcomings. At times, they may discipline unfairly or act out of anger or frustration.

While both are wrong and should be addressed, they do not necessarily constitute abuse. In this blog post, we use the term abuse to describe extreme behavior—whether verbal or physical—that causes physical, emotional or spiritual harm.

The importance of God’s commandments

The Fifth Commandment is an integral part of the body of laws that govern our relationship with God and others. Ignoring these laws opens us to disappointment and pain—and eventually to spiritual death.

As Jesus told the young nobleman, “If you want to enter into life, keep the commandments” (Matthew 19:17). 

This includes all of the commandments, not just a few.

Because Christians take the Fifth Commandment seriously, they are understandably troubled when difficult circumstances make honoring a parent complicated or unclear. However, they should not feel guilty if they find it necessary to withdraw from an abusive parent.

The intent and purpose of the Fifth Commandment

The purpose of the Fifth Commandment is to safeguard the family structure. That is not only the responsibility of the child, but it also falls on the parents to live and interact with their children in an honorable and godly manner. 

In such cases where behaviors and abuse make it difficult or impossible for children to be close to their parents, it is the parents’ abusive behavior that has placed the limits on the relationship, not the child’s failure to obey the commandment. The child is not rejecting the Fifth Commandment; rather, it is the parent who has violated its spirit and intent.

Implicit in “honor your father and your mother” is the fact that parents must be honorable! When they are not, they are breaking this command themselves. That triggers a cascade of additional problems.

When parents abuse their children or set destructive examples, they distort that picture and misrepresent God’s character. God’s intent for the parent-child relationship is that it reflect His own loving nature. Through their parents’ conduct and example, children should develop a basic understanding of what God is like.

However, when parents abuse their children or set destructive examples, they distort that picture and misrepresent God’s character.

A child should learn how to become a godly parent by observing his or her own parents. But a child raised in an abusive environment cannot learn God’s way by imitating harmful behavior.

A child should feel the safest and most secure when with his or her father and mother. Abuse destroys that God-ordained trust.

In short, an abusive parent contaminates everything God intends parenting to accomplish.  

Dealing with an abusive parent might be the most difficult relationship challenge a person could ever face. It can be frustrating and discouraging. But many do so successfully and go on to have healthy, godly, nurturing relationships with their own children.

Here are four principles that can help you properly understand and deal with this challenge:

1. “In the Lord.”

God inspired Paul to emphasize the importance of the Fifth Commandment. In Ephesians 6:1 he wrote, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” Paul also called it “the first commandment with promise,” saying that a child should keep it, “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth” (verses 2-3).  

Parents are not permitted to be absolute dictators, free to do and say whatever they please. The word for “training” implies “nurturing guidance.” The Amplified Bible adds the word tenderly.

This complements the instruction of verse 1, which says that children should obey their parents “in the Lord.” Abusive words and actions are not “in the Lord,” and God does not expect a Christian child to endure them.  

You won’t intuitively know everything that is “in” or “of the Lord.” Frankly, it is challenging to be clear-minded when you are being mistreated.

You learn what is acceptable by studying the Bible. It is essential that you read and reflect on God’s Word daily. Pray for wisdom.

You can also discuss a given situation with a qualified counselor. Regrettably, many so-called Christian counselors, including clergy, have a prejudice against God’s law in general. So be sure to seek out helpers who believe in and practice God’s laws themselves.

2. Beware of the trap of angry, bitter resentment.

It is easy to slip into this mindset when you realize your parents have mistreated you. This frame of mind is spiritual poison.

God warns us to be on guard, “in order that no root of resentment (rancor, bitterness, or hatred) shoots forth and causes trouble and bitter torment, and the many become contaminated and defiled by it” (Hebrews 12:15, Amplified Bible, Classic Edition).

You might be saying, “But what they did—and what they are doing—is so very wrong!” That is true! But don’t compound the wrong and hurt yourself further by reacting this way. 

The way to guard against this self-destructive spiritual poison is to apply the next principle.

3. Learn to forgive the abuser.

Forgiveness is not the same as accepting, tolerating or whitewashing the sin. It is pursuing your personal spiritual well-being. It limits the damage an abusive parent can do to you.

Jesus said, “For if you forgive people their wrongdoing, your heavenly Father will forgive you as well. But if you don’t forgive people, your Father will not forgive your wrongdoing” (Matthew 6:14-15, Holman Christian Standard Bible).

It won’t be easy. You will need God’s help. 

To learn more on how to forgive and why it’s important, watch this Life, Hope & Truth Presents episode, “Forgiveness in Action.”

4. Commit yourself to the God-designed roles of father and mother.

They are designed for humankind, and they define the best possible way of life for you, your children and your grandchildren.

This family framework, revealed in the Fifth Commandment, remains true even if you have to distance yourself from your own human father or mother. People are often flawed, but God never is. Nor is His law.

This family framework, revealed in the Fifth Commandment, remains true even if you have to distance yourself from your own human father or mother. If you hold to this attitude, you will be obeying the Fifth Commandment.

As you grow in God’s way of life, you might discover things about your parents, however slight, that you can respect. Do so when you can.

This is about your spiritual well-being, both now and in the future. It’s not about retribution or revenge. Allow God’s Word to advise you:

“Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, ‘Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,’ says the Lord. Therefore ‘If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head.’ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:17-21).

Verse 18 essentially summarizes the correct approach to interacting with abusive parents: “If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.” 

Frankly speaking, there is a time when it is not possible—because it’s neither safe nor helpful to you or others. But if the situation improves and you feel safe and are no longer in harm’s way, it’s good to do all you can to rebuild or improve the relationship. 

Editor’s Note: The person who posed the question we addressed here is clearly an adult, and that is how we framed our response. Minor children do not have the same control over their circumstances and cannot apply these principles fully. When a young child suffers abuse from his or her parents, the child needs to confide in a trusted adult, perhaps a relative, a school counselor or teacher. God does not expect a young child to endure evil.

Date Posted: December 8, 2025