Lessons From 204 Years of Marriage

It’s been roughly 6,000 years since God joined the first man and the first woman together in marriage—and since that day, men and women throughout time and across cultures have been trying to crack the code.

What makes for a good, meaningful, fulfilling marriage? What can husbands and wives do to create a relationship that stands the test of time—not as the result of grudging endurance, but as a testament to decades spent enjoying and valuing each other?

I recently had the privilege of sitting down with four couples who have all celebrated 50 years of marriage (in the case of one couple, 54!). These are all couples who haven’t just survived a half-century of communal living, but who see their shared time together as a precious blessing that has shaped their identities in a deeply profound way.

Is it possible to distill the lessons and insights of 204 collective years of marriage (and 408 years of personal experience) into a single article?

Probably not. But what follows are some of the concepts and themes that kept resurfacing across four separate interviews and hours of conversation. My sincerest thanks to the Franks, Horchaks, Kiloughs and Johnsons for sharing both their time and insights with me during those interviews.

The first step requires a foundation

When I asked what prompted each couple to make a lifetime commitment to each other, the response was unanimous. The husbands and wives all saw their spouse-to-be as someone they could share their lives with—not just in terms of a living space, but as companions who they could share their thoughts and feelings with, each offering perspectives that the other valued and appreciated.

More than that, they saw each other as equals with a shared spiritual destination. “I felt like he was heading toward God’s Kingdom,” said Becky Johnson of her husband David. That Kingdom was a mutual goal—one they knew they both could journey toward together.

Jim and Sharron Franks emphasized the importance of building a marriage on a solid foundation. Do you share the same passion for and perspective on God’s truth? Have you built a habit of communication? Is your relationship one of deep understanding and mutual respect?

Mr. Johnson had this to say: “When you stand before God and before the witnesses and before the ministers, and you look at one another and you make a vow to one another—you’re making a commitment. There are no escape clauses.”

The Bible makes it clear that God allows a marriage to be dissolved in very extreme cases, but otherwise, “there’s no way out of this. Okay—so we go through a rough period of time and we’re having trouble getting along. You know what? Commitment is there. That’s not going to change. And so we’re going to have to find a way to make these things work. And I think that’s part of it.”

The marriage covenant isn’t meant to be entered into without serious consideration. It’s a solemn vow before God and your spouse that you intend to be there until the end. You aren’t getting on this plane with a parachute—whatever problems you encounter, you’ll face together.

The effort doesn’t end with “I do”

The wedding day is only the first step onto a much longer road—one that these couples have been walking for more than half a century. In that time, they’ve learned a lot about what a strong marriage is (and what they need to do to make it strong).

One key—seemingly obvious but easily overlooked—is that a good marriage takes work.

How much work?

Probably more than you’d expect.

Mr. Johnson compared it to a garden. “I love having a garden,” he said. “But it takes some effort.” Is the work a negative aspect of marriage? No, like a garden, the effort is what produces something beautiful in the end.

After tying the knot, it’s easy for a couple to start putting less effort into the relationship. In dating, there’s a strong motivation to put your best foot forward. But in marriage, after the commitment has been made, it’s easier to stop trying as hard—to start drifting along with the current.

That won’t take you anywhere particularly useful.

Instead, couples benefit from doubling down on their commitment to each other (Ephesians 5:22-33). The couples I interviewed spoke of the importance of showing love. You can pay close attention to the way your partner expresses love, and then make an effort to show that kind of love. (Is conversation important? Just spending time together? Doing kind and thoughtful things for each other? Find what your spouse values and then do that thing.)

“I want to value him, and I want him to value me for me,” said Tanya Horchak of her husband Doug. “The bottom line is, if he values me for what I am, mistakes and all . . . that strengthens a marriage tremendously.”

Clyde Kilough referred to how in some ways, marriages are like emotional bank accounts. Withdrawals can cause some serious damage, but taking the time to fill that account with regular expressions of love can make life’s difficult moments easier to bear. “It keeps the other person very aware that, yeah, you may take withdrawals unintentionally from time to time, but you’re working on the other side too.”  

Keeping lines of communication open

These couples also spoke of the importance of communication. There’s the old joke about the husband who had stopped telling his wife that he loved her: “I told you I loved you on our wedding day, and I’ll let you know if that changes.”

It’s easy to undercommunicate and much harder to overcommunicate. Making the effort to regularly share with each other—the day you’ve both had, the way you feel about each other, your hopes and dreams, things you’ve learned, jokes you’ve heard—is very valuable. Your spouse doesn’t know what’s going on inside your head unless you take the time to share it.

But listening also needs to be a priority. To quote Stephen Covey, “Seek first to understand, then be understood.” To quote God’s inspired Word, “Be swift to hear, slow to speak” (James 1:19).

“We communicate a lot—about sometimes incredibly stupid things, trivial things, funny things, as well as serious things,” said Mr. Horchak. By being in a regular habit of communicating with each other, he and his wife find it easier to navigate serious discussions that might otherwise have been difficult.

Marriage is a threefold cord

Marriage is a sacred covenant between a husband and wife—and God.

Putting God at the center of your relationship helps positively reframe a lot of potential issues. Leaving God out of the equation is a recipe for disaster, while seeking Him together brings blessings. Individual prayer and Bible study are important, but how often do you hear about spouses who study and pray together?

By coming before God as a married unit—sharing their thoughts with Him, asking for His help and guidance—and then taking the time to read and discuss His Word, married couples have the capacity to engage in three-way communication with the Creator of the universe, learning and growing together.

Putting God at the center of your relationship helps positively reframe a lot of potential issues. When there’s conflict—and there will be conflict—it stops being a matter of someone winning or losing an argument and starts being a matter of coming before God together to understand His will.

Married life isn’t a fight if both of you are seeking the answers together. The question is no longer, “Am I right, or are you right?” but, “What does God expect from us or want for us?”

That’s an answer a husband and wife can pursue by cooperating together instead of competing individually.

Submission doesn’t have to be a sore spot

In a modern-day setting, the apostle Paul’s instruction that a wife should submit to her husband (Ephesians 5:22) can come across as an antiquated and even offensive notion. But the four wives I interviewed found comfort and even strength in the way God designed the marriage to work.

Mrs. Horchak got to the heart of the matter, remarking, “If the husband is doing what Christ tells him [to do] in the Bible, I have no problem submitting to him.”

In the same passage where Paul mentions submission, he also charges husbands to “love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her” (verse 25).

Mr. Horchak remarked, “You can cherry-pick words out of Ephesians 5—and people can sometimes in their own mind make it mean whatever they want it to—but to love your wife as [Jesus] loved the Church, that’s the key . . . His example of being willing to give His life . . . it’s a high bar, and yet I don’t think that God would lay that out there as a goal if it wasn’t achievable.”

When a husband isn’t leading with the kind of selfless love that Jesus Christ exemplified, following his lead becomes difficult—or, in some cases, impossible. When a husband is leading with that kind of love, following his lead can become a joyful thing.

Mrs. Kilough explained, “God gave the leadership of a family to the man, but He gave the nurturing and care to the woman.” These different roles are designed to complement each other, not clash. Both of them are hugely important to the success of a marriage—and when done correctly, each should make the other an easier thing to do.

Taking time to reset and build up

But no matter how much work a couple puts into their marriage, there’s very little they can do to keep it from being impacted by external factors—tragedies, crises, emergencies and just the regular wear and tear that comes from what Jesus called “the cares of this world” (Matthew 13:22).

What they can do is equip their marriage to weather those external storms.

Mr. Kilough emphasized that marriage ought to be a sanctuary—a safe place where both husband and wife feel loved, valued and respected. So often it can be easy to behave and speak in a way that begins to transform that treasured sanctuary into a loathsome cage. If your words and actions aren’t building your spouse up, it’s time to consider why—and what needs to change.

The Johnsons realized early in their marriage that even sharing funny stories about each other could become a way of unintentionally tearing each other down. Out of respect for each other, they decided to be cautious about what stories they shared and how they shared them.

One thing that every couple I interviewed made a point of discussing was the need for a reset. When life gets particularly stressful or demanding, they’ve come to appreciate the value of carving out some time to disconnect from the chaos and reconnect with each other.

“I remember years ago hearing or reading that when a marriage has more negative experiences than positive, that marriage is in danger,” said Mr. Johnson. “And sometimes life just brings you negative experiences. You don’t really have the ability to control that . . . The solution, or at least something to help with that, was to consciously build positive experiences into the marriage relationship.”

What that looks like depends on a whole host of variables. Maybe you can afford to take a two-week all-inclusive international vacation—or maybe all you can manage is to sit down to play a few rounds of cards after the kids are finally in bed. Either way, finding some time to breathe and enjoy each other’s company makes it easier to move on from past challenges and face future ones together.

“You have to understand when [those resets] are necessary,” said Mr. Franks, “because it’s easy to put it off and put it off: ‘Well, everything’s fine, everything’s fine.’ And you don’t really focus on yourselves and time together . . . Sometimes you just need to say, ‘No. It’s important for us to just take some time right now.’”

Solving problems together

During times of disagreement and conflict, it can be tempting, as Mrs. Johnson put it, to “go out and try to find somebody else that you can talk with that’s going to agree with you—to help get him straightened out. And they give you their ideas about how to straighten him out.”

There’s a huge benefit to seeking wise counsel, of course. But just seeking sympathizers doesn’t help. Instead, when we focus on solving problems with our spouse instead of in spite of our spouse, we have the opportunity to grow together.

“I look over our marriage and it always comes back to, yep, we’ve had our highs and lows, but we’re a team,” said Mrs. Franks. “With everything we’ve gone through, it’s made us closer.”

Adjusting to the stages of life

These couples noted that a marriage won’t look exactly the same for 50 years. You’re growing, your spouse is growing—and while that’s happening, the environment around you is changing. You might change jobs. You might move across the country—or to a different country altogether! You might have kids.

There won’t always be a clear game plan during each transition.

“Sometimes we just had to muddle our way through,” said Mr. Franks. “You know, you just say, ‘Well, we love each other and we know it’ll work out, but we don’t know how.’”

Not having a game plan for dealing with every unexpected challenge can even become an opportunity for growth. As Mr. Horchak put it, “Where we come to sometimes is, the very fact that we both acknowledge we don’t have the answers—maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe that’s where God can help you learn some things that you do need to see—if you’re teachable.”

Mr. Kilough compared the stages of life to raising children. “Your kids keep going through these new phases of life. They’ve never been there, but you’ve never been there either [as a parent]. And you’re trying to figure out this phase, and by the time you get it figured out, they’re onto another phase.”

The same thing can happen in the marriage itself, with both spouses trying to learn in the moment what a new phase of marriage looks like and how it works.

One solution? Seek out the advice of those who have blazed the trail before you. “I think a lot of people have marriage troubles because they don’t think enough about marriage and talk enough about marriage and read enough about marriage,” Mr. Kilough continued. “There are people who’ve been through this before. They’ve written about it. They’ve got some pretty good ideas.”

(One such resource is our booklet God’s Design for Marriage.)

How growing your family changes your marriage

One of the biggest shifts you can experience in a marriage is simultaneously one of the most beautiful and difficult milestones in life:

Having children.

Life changes forever once you step across that line. But while society seems eager to paint marriage in general (and children specifically) as obstacles to a happy life, these couples had a different story to tell.

“I believe we could have had a successful marriage without children,” said Mr. Franks, “but it’s just such a blessing.” He sees his children (and grandchildren!) as a huge part of the “wonderful, wonderful life” God has given him.

“I think that’s what makes our marriage so wonderful too,” added Mrs. Franks. “I think our family has made it whole.”

The Horchaks see their children as part of their identity—they aren’t two people who have a family, but two people who are part of a family.

In planning a trip for their 50th anniversary, Mrs. Kilough realized, “I just want to be with my family.” Mr. Kilough elaborated, “We still enjoy going places and doing things, but it’s not up there on the list like it used to be. And now it’s—you want to be with your loved ones.”

Letting your marriage define you

When I asked the couples what their lives would be missing if they’d never met their spouses, everyone struggled to find an answer. Over the course of 50 years, these husband-and-wife teams have grown so closely together that I may as well have been asking a bird to imagine life without its wings or a tree to imagine life without its branches.

What they communicated to me was that ultimately their marriage is bigger than either of them. It’s bigger than just their spouse. It’s bigger than the home they live in.

A marriage is, in so many ways, its own entity. The husband is a part of it. The wife is another part of it. So is God. And the point of marriage is for those three strands to become wrapped together into a single unit.

But if we only see ourselves as individuals who happen to be married, we miss the point. Each of us isn’t just an individual element of our marriage—the marriage itself must be part of who we are. It ought to be something that defines us—and more than that, it ought to be something we want defining us. When our spouse is absent, it ought to feel like part of us is absent too.

If that sounds a little familiar, it’s because the real lessons of 204 years of marriage aren’t anything new or revolutionary—but they are precious.

This lesson in particular has spent thousands of years tucked away at the end of the Bible’s second chapter: “‘This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.’ Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:23-24).

For 6,000 years, men and women throughout time and across cultures have been trying to crack the code to a good, meaningful, fulfilling marriage, but there hasn’t really been any need for that.

If these lessons from 204 years of marriage show us anything, it’s that the answers have been waiting for us in God’s Word the whole time.