Getting Past Adult Sibling Rivalry

In one episode of the popular 1990s sitcom Home Improvement, the character Jill asks her husband, Tim Taylor, “What causes sibling rivalry?” Tim replies with the one-liner, “Having more than one kid.”

Sometimes that can seem to sum it up! From the moment a family has more than one child, there can be sibling rivalry. Sibling rivalry starts essentially as competition among siblings for their parents’ love, affection and attention.

Most families with more than one child experience at least some sibling rivalry. It may be a major problem or so minor that it’s hardly noticeable.

But what about when those children grow up? Is there sometimes rivalry among adult siblings? What causes that? And can siblings do anything to get past it and improve their relationships?

Siblings in the Bible

The Bible has numerous stories of siblings. There’s Cain and Abel, Ishmael and Isaac, Jacob and Esau, and Rachel and Leah. There are stories about Joseph and his brothers; Moses, Aaron and Miriam; David and his brothers; Amnon, Absalom, Solomon and other children of King David.

In the New Testament, there are two sets of brothers who were called to be Jesus’ disciples—Peter and Andrew and James and John. We’re also told Jesus was close friends with Mary, Martha and Lazarus—three siblings.

We also learn that Jesus Himself had half-siblings. He was the oldest of at least seven children (see Matthew 13:55-56).

It’s an interesting Bible study to look at these stories of siblings. Many of them offer lessons for us today.

Sibling rivalry among children

Most of us can recognize sibling rivalry in children. We might see it when one parent or both parents show favoritism for a particular child. We might think of how in the Bible Isaac and Rebekah each had their favorite son—and the difficulties this brought about.

It can be hard for the children who are not the favored child, but it can also be hard for the “favorite,” who can feel left out and unaccepted by his or her siblings.

Siblings have so much in common it can be natural to compare. And comparison and competition can result in negative emotions—jealousy, resentment, insecurity, etc. Another source of sibling rivalry is when siblings compare themselves to each other. This can show itself in many different ways: It can be one-sided or mutual. It can be quiet and unstated, or it can be out in the open with one or the other making jabs or indulging in put-downs.

Sometimes it’s a matter of personality. Some kids are naturally more competitive. But sometimes parents, teachers and other adults who know the siblings contribute to the competition with statements like “he’s the smart one” or “she’s the athletic one.”

Even if such statements are intended as praise for all of the children, there’s an implication that the other sibling is not the smart one, or not the athletic one. Such comparisons can end up having unintended consequences and can stimulate sibling rivalry.

Sibling rivalry can also be connected with jealousy, resentment, insecurity and other similar emotions.

Sibling rivalry among adults

Sibling rivalry is often outgrown. Over time, children develop their own interests, talents and skills and become more secure. They gradually recognize that life is not a zero-sum game—that feeling successful doesn’t require viewing others as unsuccessful. Mutual respect begins to replace competition.

But sometimes sibling rivalry isn’t outgrown. Even as adults we can get stuck in some of the same ways of thinking that we had as children.

And sometimes sibling rivalry seems to start in adulthood. Perhaps there was latent but never expressed rivalry that gradually becomes noticeable in the adult years. Or perhaps there’s an unexpected reversal, where a less talented sibling outshines his or her “most likely to succeed” sibling. Or maybe it truly is a brand-new development.

Sometimes it isn’t as much “rivalry” as it is just a lack of connection or even estrangement.

One common cause is when siblings’ lives have gone in very different directions or there’s been an upset of the status quo. One or the other might have developed different values—becoming religious or abandoning religion, for instance. It might be a change of lifestyle—a sibling who trades in a peaceful life in the country for the energy and excitement of the city.

A change in family status—marriage, divorce, having children—can also change the relationship. So can a sibling’s career success or failure.

Siblings have so much in common it can be natural to compare. And comparison and competition can result in the same negative emotions—jealousy, resentment, insecurity, etc.

Things you can do

Whether you’ve been dealing with sibling rivalry for a long time or only recently noticed it’s reared its ugly head, there are things you can do to improve the situation.

That’s a perhaps, of course.

There’s no guaranteed way to change another person; we only have power to change ourselves. As Romans 12:18 says, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (English Standard Version, emphasis added).

But sometimes the changes we make can have a considerable impact! Here we’ll examine seven ways to improve and strengthen your relationship with your sibling.

Seven ways to have a better relationship

Proverbs 18:19 says, “A brother offended is harder to win than a strong city, and contentions are like the bars of a castle.”

Once a relationship is rocky, it’s not easy to turn things around. But here are seven things you can do to win your brother or sister back.

1. Pray about your relationship. Seeking God’s help, guidance and blessing on your relationship might be the single most important thing you can do. Ask God to help you see and understand where you’ve contributed to the problem. Ask for His forgiveness, and ask Him to help you in turning things around.
2. Recognize the need for patience. You’ll need to be patient with your sibling, of course. But it’s also important to recognize that the problem didn’t develop overnight, and it won’t be repaired overnight. Be prepared to give it time.
3. Be humble and respectful. Pride can be a big part of the competitive nature of sibling rivalry. So can feelings of inferiority. The right kind of humility avoids both of those extremes.
   It is the kind of attitude described in Philippians 2:3: “Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.”
   Humility will allow you to see where you’ve contributed to the rivalry, and it will allow you to be respectful of your sibling. Your sibling is a potential child of God just as you are! Treat him or her with respect, dignity and kindness.
4. Stay involved and connected. Whenever possible, go to family events where you might see him or her. Remember and acknowledge important dates. Show interest in his or her life.
5. Do things together. Invite him or her to lunch or dinner or to share an activity. You might need to start small initially, but it will make a difference.
6. Seek to understand your sibling. Stephen Covey, author of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, states this as his fifth habit: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
   Ask questions. Don’t assume you know how your sibling feels or what he or she thinks. Especially avoid making assumptions about his or her motives.
7. Communicate your own needs. Once you’ve set the tone with humble, respectful interest, you can begin to talk. You can express how things seem using “I feel” statements, which can help you express concerns or needs without blaming your sibling.

What about a toxic sibling relationship?

While we wish it weren’t so, we have to address the possibility that a relationship with a sibling might be restricted.

A sinful lifestyle might limit the time you can spend with a sibling or the types of things you might do with a sibling. You may have to establish boundaries and insist that they be respected. But it might not prevent you from having a relationship with him or her.

In other cases, a relationship simply can’t be had—at least not under the current circumstances. While hopefully rare, some sibling relationships are truly toxic and dangerous.

If a sibling’s words or conduct resemble cruelty or abuse, you may have to cut off the relationship. Likewise, if he or she is involved with criminal activities, you may have to protect yourself by staying away.

In such cases, the only thing you can do is pray for your sibling while keeping him or her at a distance. These can be difficult situations to deal with, and you might want to seek the advice of a trusted counselor or pastor.

A brother who is closer than a friend

Proverbs 18:24 says that “there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” The implication is that siblings can be very close friends—having a friend who is as close as a brother (or a sister) is the exception!

There’s no guarantee that your sibling will become your best friend. But with God’s help and your effort, you might be happy to discover how good your relationship can be!